1 April 2012

Rules at Traffic lights for Dummies who decide to drive/ride in Bangalore

# 1 Green means go, Orange means speed up and Red means dart without looking left or right.

# 2  If you drive a car, ensure your rear view mirrors are tucked inside. This helps two wheelers slip more easily between the curb and your car.

# 3  Honk indiscriminately. It helps to identify yourself on the road in case the invisibility cloak shield on your vehicle self activated.

# 4 Do not leave a single inch vacant. If you can't wedge yourself in, don't move. Let other fearless and common-sense challenged individuals race past.

# 5 It does not matter if you wish to make a right or a left. Don't try to get in lane. Just move in whichever direction the traffic is going. Then when you reach the critical junction, turn on your indicator, crank up the music in your ears (to muffle the sounds of ire from others) and blindly make the turn.

# 6 Auto drivers are always right.

# 7 Throw away your maps. If you need directions, simply wind down your window (if you are conscious about fuel efficiency, you could turn off the A/C first) or lift the wisor of your helmet and yell your request across to other drivers. Someone will respond. If traffic starts up, don't worry. Everybody understands that they need to be held up while you clarify which second left to take.

# 8 Traffic lights are the best place to take phone calls and not on the hands-free. Just turn on your hazard lights so that other vehicles can go around.

# 9 Pedestrians are for running over. It was not your choice that they decided to participate in a reality show called Pray or Die. And seriously, Zebra crossings - they are simply there to improve the aesthetics of roads. Have you ever seen a Zebra using one?

# 10 At the light, it's OK to breach the divider and be in the way of oncoming traffic. This way, everyone is late for work. A little gridlock goes a long way to making it a jolly and entertaining day for all. 

# 11 Do not listen to the traffic policeman/woman. They are probably high on all the fumes that our vehicles emit. What would they know about our suffering? All they ever do it seems is to mope about the intersection, listen to abuse, stand on their feet most the time and become asthamatic.  Yes, he might be someone's dad but making them human will only cause you to lose your focus on crossing the light. Also, when they tell you to do something, he or she is trying to restore order and sanity, and that's a violation of our fundamental right as Indians to chaos.

# 11 The above rules are not in effect from Mon - Sat from 11pm to 7am and all day Sunday, or if the traffic light is not working.

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