14 November 2008

Swift-kick-in-the-butt clinic

This idea evolved a few years ago after bar hopping with a couple of people in NYC. The whole experience appears so ridiculous when I think about it today: the dressing up, hoping the bouncer thinks you are hip enough; drinking 20$ drinks in a low lit lounge; loud music; sitting on overcrowded but terrifically comfortable couches; smoking Hookas because of the smoking ban; perhaps, the zenith of my hedonism. This would spill over into early morning perogis, wanderlust in lower manhattan and finally, the magical doors of the LIRR. The hangover was simply awesome. Lolling in bed one afternoon after such a fright I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if someone had simply given me a swift kick in the butt and reminded me that I'm not particularly suited to such pleasures?"

Then the humanist in me kicked in. Don't we all know someone in our lives who could use a swift kick in the butt? My execution of this idea is pretty simple. All you need are some decent shoes of varying weight. The clinic is a small set up, preferably in the back room of a cosy tea shop and the appointment has to be made by someone who knows you. I would be happy to administer the kick but I think it would more effective if it came from someone you know (they also get to pick the weight of shoes). I would like to nominate my mother to administer all of mine.

Alright, there are some caveats to this idea. Foremost, many people are not aware they need a swift kick in the butt. Denial is one of the more wonderful emotions our brains have adapted to with ease and efficiency. In this situation - let the mountain go to Mohamed; bring the shoes to the butt, as in this case. Then you have actual administration. It has to be quick and painful, well at least a level better than a spank. Since I haven't really had a chance to administer this myself I really don't have answers to this sticky point. Readers are welcome to post suggestions. Lastly, remuneration. This is not a business idea. It's a socialist idea based on the premise that everyone either needs one or will need one. Therefore it's best administered between friends. So you can create one in your own social group. This also has the advantage that what goes around, comes around. All kicks are universal.

Why is my idea better than an intervention? Well, it's quick. No willy nilly talks about life, love and the world. It's to the point. You don't need a group of people. 2 is the minimum, I would recommend 3. It needs no elaborate planning; you simply walk into a tea shop and mysteriously end up at the back room.

I believe in the potential of the swift kick; a jolt to propel you into a state of pain thereby making you forget whatever anguish/depression you may have or delaying any important decision you might have to make. It's a temporary respite designed to put you in touch with your inner feelings, at least those with regard to pain and annoyance. Those brief moments and hot cuppa tea with a dear pal is all one needs in order to receive clarity because the heart always knows, it's the head that actually confuses matters. So get yourself a swift kick today and divert your head while your heart can tell you what to do.


  1. Very interesting concept, this clinic. Maybe can have multiple branches -- one goes ahead with shoes as you've described, while another could go for five-o'-the-best with a paddle. Either way a swift bump on the rump always makes a way out of a slump. [okay, sorry about the bad rhyme.]

  2. :) the social network possibilities for this are of course, endless!