14 October 2008

Feeling Awake.

Here's a post that will have lots of errors because it's going to be published straight from the heart. This is specially for R, with all my love.

I feel awake. Like an entire layer of cobwebs have been swept away from my mind and I have been scrubbed clean with Lysol (with bleach - got to keep the fairness of course!). I was riding with my mum on our scooter, her in front, because she doesn't trust me on the driver's seat and me as pillion. We were weaving our way through the back lanes of Thippsandra. The wind was blowing through my hair, I could smell bajjis being fried and yet another temple was announcing its presence with the shrill clanging of the bell. And I just felt awake. The beauty of this experience is that I didn't know I was sleeping till I woke up.

My entire body felt alive to my five senses. I didn't realize the emotional lethargy that had set into my system which enabled me to simply absorb and channel all the negative energy I had. Oh, I worked, I ran, I volunteered, I communicated and I laughed - but I was still sleeping. I was on auto pilot without knowing where the on/off button was and who/what had turned it on. Our feelings are so powerful that sometimes they decide to tuck themselves into our subconscious lest we do harmful things with them. I think this was my "fright" response. A bunch-of -nerves decided to get together and manufacture a reality that my brain accepted as status quo because my feelings of being separated from my family, my country and continued attempts at a job that I knew didn't click with me, was just too powerful to deal with in any rational manner. Well, good show, bunch-of-nerves. They suddenly decided last night to release me from the environment manufactured reality. This is going to sound absolutely flaky but I am thinking and feeling from the heart now. I hope I don't go to sleep again because this is a wonderful place to be.

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